I’m Telling for the Last Time!

Props to the author and to my coleague Alex for sending me this hilarious text…

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I’m Telling for the Last Time!
Jerry Seinfeld

I’m not married. I’m a single guy, there are no other guys attached to me. I’ve always been just the one guy.

Men and women will never understand each other. My advice to you is to just stop thinking about it, you’re not gonna figure it out. Just forget it. I know I’m not gonna understand women. I will never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider!?!?!?! I’m not wasting any more time thinking about it. Cause I’m not getting anywhere…

And I know women are curious about men. Women wanna know what men are thinking. I know women are looking at me, right now, and you’re wondering: “I wonder what’s going on in that little brain of his?” I can tell you the truth if you would like to know what men are really thinking. Would like to know? I will tell you: Nothing… We’re not thinking anything. We’re just walking around, looking around. This is the only natural inclination of men. We like women, we want women but that’s pretty much as far as we thought. That’s why we’re honking car horns, yelling from construction sites… These are the best ideas we’ve had so far! We’re working on some new programs but it’s not easy when your mind is a blank.

Why do men do these things? Why are they acting in these ways? Why are men rude, obnoxious, getting drunk, screaming out, peeling out rubber, make kissing noises, why? Telling awful jokes, why? Why do men behave so badly? I know what you ladies are thinking, “No, no, not my guy, I’m working with him, he’s coming along.” No, he’s not! He’s tricking you! Men are not developing. We’re not improving! We men know that no matter how poorly we behave, it seems we somehow end up with women anyway. Look around this room, look at all the men you see. Beautiful women, men are with them. You think these are special men? Gifted, highly unusual, one of a kind men? These are the same jerks and idiots I’m talking about! We’re doing fine!

Men as an organization are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world today. Wherever women are, we have men looking into the situation right now. We explored the earth looking for women, event went to the moon just to see if there were any women there.

Here’s the thing on men, alright? I’m gonna give it to you now: All men think of themselves as kind of low-level superheroes in their own environment. When men are growing up reading about batman, spiderman, superman, these aren’t fantasies. These are options! This is the way men really look at their own lives. I’m not even supposed to be telling you this.

I’ll give you a perfect example of what I’m talking about. Ever seen a guy, moving a mattress tied to the roof of his car? He’s out on the highway with this thing. He’s always got the arm out the window holding the mattress, too, right? Whatever he’s rigged up there, he’s always helping along with the arm! This is classic male idiot superhero thinking. This moron actually believes that if the wind catches this huge rectangle at 70 miles an hour, “I got it, I got it. Don’t worry about it. I’m using my arm!”